…and what do you do, when the one who mean the most to you, is the one who didn’t show?
I know exactly how my Christmas evening is going to be now… just got the “news” that my dad won’t be there with me… I don’t even want to celebrate Christmas now. He has done it once before, two years ago. I was devastating, broken. It breaks me even more that he would do it one more time, when he knows how sad it makes me. I cry for days, serious!
When my parents got divorced they promised me and my brother that it should change our birthdays, Christmas and other thinks that are important to us. I guess my mom is the only one to keep that promise.
I know the whole evening I’m going to fake a smile, walk out to the bathroom, when everything becomes too much. My mom will follow me, I’ll just lock the door, and through my tears say to her, that I just need a moment. Later when we comes to the part with the presents I’ll refuse to wrap up the one from my dad, I’ll again leave with tears my eyes, and my cousins will ask me why I’m crying, and I don’t know what to say to them. I know my family will ask me what he’s doing, and I know that I’ll not be able to answer that question… what do you say? “That one person in the whole world, I want to impress the most, the one who means the world to me, chose to not show up” That isn’t something I can say to my family. I know that later that night, when we’re just sitting, chatting, eating way to much candy, I’ll go into my grandma’s dark cold room, and break down… my mom will follow me and say that my dad is on the phone. I’ll refuse to talk to him, and my mom will make me do it, he’ll say marry Christmas, and that he would have loved to be with me, I’ll get angry and say that I would have loved it to, and that he had the chance, but didn’t took it.
Isn’t it scary, that what use to my favorite day of the year, now become the day I fear the most? A day I rather want to miss out on. I hate that it has to be this way, but I can’t help it, when he has hurt me like this once before and he does it again… I don’t know. This is a day that always brings a smile to my face, what I want the most now, is break down crying!
Christmas is never going to be the same again, and that is my biggest fear!
xoxo from me… Gry